Blogmaster

At some point, I will write a long, rambling, and potentially annoying blog about reality TV. But today I will focus on my current drug of choice, “Ink Master” (a reality competition series featuring tattoo artists).

I have a handful of tattoos, and it just so happens that one of my artists, Deanna Smith, is a competitor on Season 10.  Spoiler alert:  if you like Deanna, don’t bother watching past Episode 14.

Let me describe this show.  A group of diverse artists are put in a loft in New York City…possibly Brooklyn (at my next sitting, I plan on casually asking Deanna for the address.  That’s not at all stalky, is it?).  They are divided into three teams, and each week, they are given a “Flash Challenge”.  This is always some out-of-the-box artsy thing, and the winning team gets an advantage during the main challenge, which involves actual tattooing.  This show, like any other reality show, follows the same pattern of dramatic music and zoomed-in shots of each artist making faces.

None of that really gets my engine revving… but besides the surreality (yes, I believe I just invented that word…and I think it’s awesome) of watching someone I know on television, I am drawn to this particular show for two reasons.

First, the show is set in New York.  I am madly, wildly, uncontrollably in love with New York City. I record the show, primarily because I can never manage to be in one place for a solid hour on a regular basis (go ahead, drop by my office.  I’m not there.  Maybe later.  But, I digress…). But mostly because modern technology allows me to fast-forward through commercials, and pause on random shots of the city that are flashed on the screen for microseconds between commercials and the show.  I stare at the paused images and try to figure out where in the city I was while they were filming.  Oh, have I mentioned?  By coincidence, I was living in Manhattan while they were filming last September.  Probably the only reason Dave Navarro doesn’t have a restraining order against me is because I didn’t find this out until I started watching the show a few months ago.  Wait, have I mentioned Dave?  That brings me to the second reason I am obsessed with this show…

Like any self-respecting reality competition show (okay, even my dog rolled her eyes as I typed that), there are three celebrity judges.  “Ink Master” features Oliver Peck (the toothpick-sucking Dallas treasure), Chris Nunez (I started following him after discovering him on “Miami Ink” (yes, another tattoo reality show, but not a competition, which makes it cool), and (drumroll…………………….) Dave Navarro!  No, he’s not a tattoo artist, but he’s covered in tattoos.  Does that make him qualified?  Nope.  He has charisma.  Maybe that’s why the producers chose him.  I don’t care about that.  Possibly because he’s a super-talented guitarist, and a founding member of Jane’s Addiction and former member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers?  Getting warmer.  Okay, I’ll give you a hint: Dave takes his shirt off when he plays guitar.  I will now pause while you Google “Shirtless Dave Navarro”.  Spoiler alert:  You are going to get more than just “shirtless”.  And…you’re welcome!

Since starting this blog thing (I still can’t figure out exactly how to phrase that), I’ve come up with a concept for a new reality TV show.  “Blogmaster”.   Seems like a can’t-miss idea.  A bunch of diverse (and attractive) writers live in a trendy New York City loft (I’m thinking Chelsea), and each week, the Flash Challenge is something weird, like parsing sentences from a book written entirely in ebonics, translating the works of Robert Frost into Pig-Latin, or getting drunk and reading Shakespeare out loud on the subway (I’ve spent time in New York, and that last one wouldn’t be considered particularly strange).  The winners would get the upper-hand in the main blog-writing challenge.  There would be dramatic music and zoomed-in shots of the writers making shocked faces.  I’m pretty sure the judges would be Dave Navarro, Anderson Cooper, and Paula Abdul (honestly, what is she doing these days?).  I think the show could be a huge success!

The truth is, I just want to be alone in a loft with Dave Navarro.