Woke Up, It Was a Zombie Morning

When cell phones first came out, they had a plethora of ringers and tones to choose from, which seemed like a great idea. Choices! Woo hoo! I can waste 90 minutes of my day scrolling through (annoying) sounds while whoever is within earshot secretly plots to smother me in my sleep.

The year is 2001, and I finally settle on one that is (in my opinion) the least annoying, but will also wake me up, and I’m good to go. Flash-forward a few weeks/months. I hate mornings (okay, this is nothing new), but now I loathe them, and my phone is to blame. This card-deck sized piece of technology, (which, by the way, cost more than everything I own except for my truck and my children) is now the enemy. I smack it, yell at it, throw it… dream of watching it sink, in slow-motion, to the bottom of some murky lake (where, I suppose, Jason will find it, hack it, scroll through my contacts, and kill everyone with a machete… or not).

A feature of newer phones is that I can create my own alarm clock sound. Gone are the days of annoying beeps and buzzers. I realize that I can choose a SONG, and I am drunk with power!

For the record, I have been told that this feature is not exactly *new*. Fine, whatever. It’s new to me. Also, it turns out that 90 minutes is not nearly long enough to scroll through my music library. This endeavor took longer. Much longer. In fact, I’m not certain I’m willing to share how long it took. The year is 2013, and I chose “Anastasia” by Slash featuring Myles Kennedy.

This seemed like a great choice, but the first few bars of some songs were not meant to wake me up. This was one of those songs.  I loved this song so much, that I wouldn’t turn it off. I would listen as it played, in its entirety, and then often I would listen as it played a second, and sometimes even a third time. And then I would drift off to sleep.

Rats.

Anyone care to guess how long it took to find the next best wake-up song? It’s been 6 years. In the meantime, I had to default to another annoying buzzer. So a few weeks ago, I decided it was finally time. I dedicated an evening to finding the perfect song, and then, there it was. Buried in my library. An obscure song from 1983 that had long been forgotten until it popped up in a movie (or tv show or commercial) and I Shazam’d it (what a time to be alive!) and added it to my iTunes. But I hadn’t heard it since I added it. I chuckled and then congratulated myself for finding it. The perfect song. I wondered why I had never added it to a playlist, so I took that moment to drag it over the my “Morning Shower” list. I mean, this was a hidden gem. And I wanted to be able to hear it more often, of course.

Sidebar: When I am in New York, I don’t set an alarm. The sun rises early there, and I sleep with the blinds open. Before you marvel about how I “get up with the sun”, let me tell you that it’s not always “rise and shine” with me. Quite often it’s, “open my eyes, ponder the day, wonder how long I can go without peeing”. At some point, I get up to pee (damnit), and then quest for coffee. And I regularly go back to bed and log in a few more hours of dream time before my actual day begins. Yes, I’m lazy. But only in the mornings. It’s a built-in, so I won’t apologize.

I’ve been back in Texas for a week now. My life requires a morning alarm. So the first morning it goes off, I smile lazily and listen for the whole song to play. It transports me back to my senior year of high school.

Wait, did I forget to mention the song? Get ready! It’s “All You Zombies” by The Hooters. Remember that? Of course you don’t. Unless you lived in Great Falls, Montana in 1983 and used the radio as your alarm clock. Because I’m pretty sure that 4 am was the only time this song got airplay. And there’s a reason for that. If you aren’t sure, take a moment and listen to the song. The WHOLE song.

So as I am listening this first time, I sing along. Only it’s not a song you can sing to. Not really. You also can’t dance to it, or even tap your feet. It is a weird song. And I think the only reason I got excited when I heard it on television is because it brought back a memory from high school. Ugh. But I figure, that’s fine. It will wake me up and I will turn it off before much of it plays. It will be fine. Fine. Did I mention fine?

Day after day, morning after morning, the zombies tap on my skull to wake me up. I grow to despise the song. Need to change it. Who the hell are The Hooters anyway? Did they record anything else? I turned to Google (what a time to be alive!) and there it was. “She was a be-bop baby on a Saturday night”. And she danced. Terrific.

So this morning I turned on my “morning shower” playlist and jumped in. Mid-shampoo, it happened. The zombie song started. My alarm clock, only not. Stupid shuffle.

And the search for a new song begins. I’m thinking something by The Cranberries. Or Pink Floyd…

Suggestions? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

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