Killing Time

Last summer while my grandson was here, a friend of mine with young children brought them over for a play date.

In lieu of wine, I decided to answer one of those spam phone calls on speaker phone for entertainment.

I kept a pad and paper to keep up with my own lies, and I also TOTALLY wrote down all the case numbers and phone numbers, etc, as he gave them to me (doodling dirty cartoons and trying to make my friend LOL while desperately trying to keep quiet… 😂)

I spoke with someone from the Internal Revenue Service, who transferred me over to someone from the DEA. I’m pretty sure I had someone from the FBI on the line too. I had no idea how ethnic our government departments were!

After taking all my false info (I could feel him getting all excited on the phone), he transferred me back to some “agent” who said that yes, my social security number had been used in connection with the purchase of a vehicle, and that vehicle had been used to transport drugs into Mexico. I would need to give them all my information in order to protect my identity and keep me from going to jail (someone was going to SHOW UP AT MY DOOR AND ARREST ME if I didn’t comply).

So I wanted to clarify that if I gave them all this info, I wouldn’t get in trouble for anything if my car was pulled over. He assured me it wouldn’t. So… I responded, “So just to be clear, if there’s, let’s say, blood in the trunk… I won’t get in trouble?”

Caller: Right.

Me: Well that’s a relief, because I’m always so worried about getting pulled over. You see, I don’t always do a good job cleaning up when I dispose of the bodies.

Caller: What?

Me: Yeah, and I’m sure there are minute bone fragments and maybe teeth. I don’t know. It’s usually dark out. Plus I drink, so…

Caller: Are you kidding me?

Me: I think once I actually left a hand behind. That was a little embarrassing because it was summer and it started to smell pretty bad back there…

Caller (furious) You’ve just wasted my time!!!

My friend (rocking with laughter) OHMYGOD BaHAAAAAA!!

Caller: (hangs up)

That may have been better than wine.

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