Happy Effing New Year

When is the Chinese New Year?

I’m sure I can google it, but I just don’t feel like it right now.  But is it March?  Because if it’s March, then those Chinese people are the smartest effing people on the face of the planet.

Who decided that January 1st should be “New Year”?  And why on earth would it be “Happy”?

Let’s see… we started selling/buying Christmas crap the day after Halloween.  So the holiday of eternal stress began November 1st.  That’s 61 days full of stress.  Ask any teacher, mother, retail person, or, anyone who is involved with these folks.  Hell, ask anyone who has family.  Or no family.  Or loved ones.  Or no loved ones.

There’s no way around it.  November and December suck.  And the only people who benefit from those days are under the age of 18.

So, are we supposed to drink until we are comatose on December 31st and expect to wake up January 1st with a new outlook and lease on life? And unless gyms offer hangover food, cool dark rooms with comfy beds, vomit buckets and banana bag IV’s, I can see no good reason anyone would want to go there on January 1st.

Let’s get real.  That shit doesn’t happen.  What happens is hangovers, guilt, weight gain and stress.  Now let’s add the weather, which sucks this time of year.  Oh, and allergies (which for the life of me I don’t understand how this is a year-round thing in Texas, but whatever).  And germs.  I have come to believe that everyone’s New Year’s Resolution is to spread as many germs as possible.  Grab all the kids, put all the sticky food on uncovered plates in overheated rooms, let them share the germs, and then let’s all head to the malls and restaurants to get optimal exposure.  Now, is everyone good and sick?  No?  Okay, then let’s head back to school and work and cough on everyone and touch everything.  That should do it.

So, should “Happy New Year” be February 1st instead?  Are you freaking kidding me?  After the rounds of antibiotics, the shock of having to get up early all over again, the sticker shock of those therapy sessions to help deal with the guilt (don’t EVEN ask about the guilt… you know you have it, and you know damn well where it comes from… THAT is a whole nother blog), and the fact that you are, in fact, STILL sick, the very last thing you want to do two short weeks before the stupidest day of the year (V-Day) is try and celebrate ANOTHER year.

So, let’s shoot for March 1st shall we?

That gives us January to lick our wounds and try and experiment with self-care.  Buy a sun lamp.  Give yourself permission to throw frozen low-fat (yet “tasty”) meals at trainers heads.  Make it mandatory for stores to put chocolate, wine and sweatpants on sale instead of protein drinks and exercise equipment.  Vitamins, hand sanitizer and hospital masks should be free (and mandatory) at all schools and businesses.  Leave of absences should be required and paid for by all employers for those who choose to stay home rather than spread whatever plague they may be carrying.  Social media challenges should all be “Who can sleep in the longest”, “Binge-watching Netflix”, “Ways to enjoy leftover carbs without the guilt”, and “Planning solo-vacations”.  Reconnect with friends who had their entire families over for the holidays. They are not okay.

Let’s take our January to plan a nice vacation for mid-February.  Somewhere where cards and cheap candy are banned.  Where no one is allowed to sell last-minute pre-wrapped flowers on the side of the road.  Airlines should offer deep discounts for single people (deeper yet for single moms!)

Let February be the month we ease back into health and fitness – on our own terms!  Continue therapy and self care.  Enjoy that although the days may be colder, they are getting longer.  Winter has an end!  By now, you should be receiving your income tax refund.  You may have finally paid off the bills from the holidays.  Hopefully you have survived (or even dodged) the flu!  It’s a short month, so hang in there…  We will even throw in Mardi Gras in case you need a party (and an excuse to drink).

March!  Let March 1st be your Happy New Year!  The color of March is green (remember your elementary school homeroom decorations?)  which is the color of new beginnings!  And its symbol is the 4-leaf clover.  Lucky!  There’s an entire day dedicated to drinking green beer and eating green food. Does it get any better than this?  You are gearing up for spring!  What lies ahead?  Grass, flowers, budding trees, Renaissance Festivals, warmer days…  The “Holiday Season” is far enough behind you to be a good memory (time heals all wounds, right?) and the next “Holiday Season” is far enough away to not stress you out.

Yes, can we please make March 1st our New Year’s Day?  February 29th is happening this year.  It’s not even a real day.  What better way to start a tradition than to use a non-day to gear up for the New Year?

I am not the world’s best party planner, but I have some pretty awesome friends and family members who are!  Anyone in the mood to plan a “REAL HAPPY NEW YEAR’S EVE” party?


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