Fast Times At Sleepless High

9:30 pm: Arrive home (thirty minutes AFTER my pre-planned bedtime) to a house with at least 2 hours of chores waiting for me.

For those of you who are thinking, “Wow! She’s my hero!”, read on…

9:30 – 10 pm: Spend 30 uninterrupted minutes feeling sorry for myself.

10 pm – Midnight: Watch 4 back-to-back episodes of “Yard Crashers” (all the while, feeling sorry for myself for not having a water feature in my backyard)

Midnight: (for lack of time, energy and ingredients) Eat a fast dinner that will likely take 4 months to fully digest.

12:10 am: Regret not eating a salad.

12:15 am: Eat a lemon cupcake, because everyone knows that yellow frosting equals happiness. 🙂

12:20 am: Regret eating cupcake.

12:30 am: Calculate exactly how many hour of sleep I will get if I go to bed and fall asleep immediately.

12:37 am: Re-calculate.

12:45 am: Go to bed.

1 am: Recalculate from bed.

4:30 am: Wake up because I set the alarm and planned an invigorating workout. (Remember that hero comment you were muttering to yourself earlier? Again, read on…)

4:35 am: Realize that I never set my alarm. Stomach had decided to disagree with my non-salad dinner.

4:36 am: Stumble to medicine cabinet and dig around for relief.

4:37 am:  Gratefully push the one remaining pink tablet through the foil package.

4:37:02 am:  Watch miserably as the tablet falls (slow motion, I swear!) into the toilet.

4:37:04 am:  Consider reaching into toilet…

4:37:05 am:  Reconsider.

4:38 am: Realize that my facial expression must resemble Spicoli’s when Mr. Hand gave out all his pizza to the rest of the class.

4:40 am: Back to bed.

4:45 am: Try and remember Spicoli’s first name.

5 am: Vincent? Fred? Edward?

5:55 am: JEFF!!!!! (Thanks Google!)

6 am: Hit snooze button on the alarm I actually set.

6:05 am: Dog and cats call bullshit on snooze alarm.

6:06 to 7 am:  Tend to three animals who have all had a nice, long, comfy sleep.

7:01 am:  Decide I want to come back in my next life as a house-pet.

7:02 am: Crawl back in bed. Spell the word “reincarnate” over and over in my head.

7:30 – 8 am: Sleep. Holy cow! Dream of gardens full of weeds, and showing up at parties underdressed.

8 am: Consider spending day in bed.

8:05 am:  Remember I’m supposed to meet someone at work to give them all the leftover packets of Brown Sugar that I get from Starbucks when I order my oatmeal, but forget to tell them to hold the Brown Sugar (and feel guilty that it goes to waste).

8:06 am:  Shower. Wonder why I considered the only reason worth going to work was to make sure my unused Brown Sugar doesn’t go to waste.

8:07 am:  Wonder why I keep capitalizing “Brown Sugar” in my head.

8:08 am:  Consider therapy.

9:12 am:  Arrive (late) at work. Realize I must blow off anything of real importance and get on my laptop to blog about my sleepless night in order to be able to concentrate on “real” work.

10:21 am:  JEFF!!!