Since I began this blog, my goal was to post something every day, Monday – Friday.
Except for one (very busy and grandchild-filled) Wednesday, I’ve accomplished that goal.
I have found that I have quite a few “Accidentally Human” stories (they seem to never end, so I’ve decided to go ahead and order the bubble-wrap suit, helmet and bedazzled “Fall Risk” jewelry), and I have been posting them on Thursdays.
I also have a bunch of one-liners. Well, some have two or three lines. But they aren’t long enough to be considered a story. Or a blog. Except wait, I still haven’t really found out the definition of a blog. But I’m just guessing that they aren’t. And if they are, they shouldn’t be.
One of my heroes, Chuck Lorre, posts Vanity Cards at the end of his shows. I first discovered these while watching “Dharma & Greg” in 2001. I could see that something popped up after the credits, but it wasn’t there long enough to read. So I ran out and bought a VCR (the horse-and-buggy version of a DVR), and recorded a show. I played it back, and when it got to that screen, I hit the “Pause” button so I could read it. But there were large static lines across the picture that prevented me from seeing it.
I went back to the store to exchange my VCR for one that worked. The salesgeek looked at me and said, “You want a forehead.” Uhm, I was pretty sure I had one. I cocked my head to the side and gave him my best “what?” look. He responded with, “What you NEED is a forehead.”
Okay, now he was just being insulting. My choice to go with bangs was just that. MY choice! I had developed a small crease running across the length of my forehead, and before it got deep enough for Sacagawea to navigate a canoe through the…oh, wait, what? Salesgeek was talking again…
“What you have is a two-head VCR. What you NEED is a four-head VCR.”
Oh. That’s totally what I thought he said.
Then he may or may not have mumbled something about porn (dear lord I just want to READ THE DAMN WORDS!), and he turned to look for a VCR with no bangs.
I took my (apparently porn-ready) VCR home… waited another week (the horse-and-buggy version of “On Demand”), and recorded the next show.
I can’t tell you which vanity card it was, but it rocked my world. If Chuck Lorre’s Vanity Cards were porn, then I didn’t want to be right. Wow… that sounded so much better in my head. It’s late, so I’m not going to change it. You get my meaning. Anyway…
I became obsessed with those cards. I have his coffee table book “What Doesn’t Kill Us Makes Us Bitter” on my coffee table. I pause all Big Bang Theory’s at the end to read what’s new. The man is a genius.
I was going somewhere with this. I swear I was. This happened to me earlier today as well. I was having a perfectly normal conversation with Delilah, and she accidentally made my nails look like shiny sand. I got so excited, I began to tell her a story about how I got food poisoning in New York a few weeks ago and threw up for the first time in 13 years. There was more to the story… well, notsomuch more, as there was a point. But I completely forgot it, and just ended up telling her about throwing up in a bucket.
Okay, I remembered. My one-liners (or two or three-liners. Whatever.) I want to post them, but they just don’t seem blog-worthy. I had a conversation with Doofenshmirtz, and she suggested I start a series titled “I’m Not Chuck”. I was about to, but really, I am NOT Chuck. In so many ways.
So… I have decided to title this series “Bloglettes”. Which is French for “Blog Light”. Not really. Well maybe it is. I don’t know French. Well, I do know the word for “leg”. It’s Jamba. As in Jamba Juice. So, go grab a smoothie at “Leg Juice”? Ew. Actually, it’s Jambe. So I guess Jamba Juice is safe for now.
Bloglette actually means “Little Blog”. (again, I have no idea…but that sounds right). I’m going to post Bloglettes on the weekend. Feel free to tune in. Or out.
What’s the French word for “ramble”?