Bloglettes

Since I began this blog, my goal was to post something every day, Monday – Friday.

Except for one (very busy and grandchild-filled) Wednesday, I’ve accomplished that goal.

I have found that I have quite a few “Accidentally Human” stories (they seem to never end, so I’ve decided to go ahead and order the bubble-wrap suit, helmet and bedazzled “Fall Risk” jewelry), and I have been posting them on Thursdays.

I also have a bunch of one-liners.  Well, some have two or three lines.  But they aren’t long enough to be considered a story.  Or a blog.  Except wait, I still haven’t really found out the definition of a blog.  But I’m just guessing that they aren’t.  And if they are, they shouldn’t be.

One of my heroes, Chuck Lorre, posts Vanity Cards at the end of his shows.  I first discovered these while watching “Dharma & Greg” in 2001.  I could see that something popped up after the credits, but it wasn’t there long enough to read.  So I ran out and bought a VCR (the horse-and-buggy version of a DVR), and recorded a show.  I played it back, and when it got to that screen, I hit the “Pause” button so I could read it.  But there were large static lines across the picture that prevented me from seeing it.

I went back to the store to exchange my VCR for one that worked.  The salesgeek looked at me and said, “You want a forehead.”   Uhm, I was pretty sure I had one.  I cocked my head to the side and gave him my best “what?” look.  He responded with, “What you NEED is a forehead.”

Okay, now he was just being insulting.  My choice to go with bangs was just that.  MY choice!  I had developed a small crease running across the length of my forehead, and before it got deep enough for Sacagawea to navigate a canoe through the…oh, wait, what?  Salesgeek was talking again…

“What you have is a two-head VCR.  What you NEED is a four-head VCR.”

Oh.  That’s totally what I thought he said.

Then he may or may not have mumbled something about porn (dear lord I just want to READ THE DAMN WORDS!), and he turned to look for a VCR with no bangs.

I took my (apparently porn-ready) VCR home… waited another week (the horse-and-buggy version of “On Demand”), and recorded the next show.

I can’t tell you which vanity card it was, but it rocked my world.  If Chuck Lorre’s Vanity Cards were porn, then I didn’t want to be right.  Wow… that sounded so much better in my head.  It’s late, so I’m not going to change it.  You get my meaning.  Anyway…

I became obsessed with those cards.  I have his coffee table book “What Doesn’t Kill Us Makes Us Bitter” on my coffee table.  I pause all Big Bang Theory’s at the end to read what’s new.  The man is a genius.

I was going somewhere with this.  I swear I was.  This happened to me earlier today as well.  I was having a perfectly normal conversation with Delilah, and she accidentally made my nails look like shiny sand.  I got so excited, I began to tell her a story about how I got food poisoning in New York a few weeks ago and threw up for the first time in 13 years.  There was more to the story… well, notsomuch more, as there was a point.  But I completely forgot it, and just ended up telling her about throwing up in a bucket.

Okay, I remembered.  My one-liners (or two or three-liners.  Whatever.)  I want to post them, but they just don’t seem blog-worthy.   I had a conversation with Doofenshmirtz, and she suggested I start a series titled “I’m Not Chuck”.  I was about to, but really, I am NOT Chuck.  In so many ways.

So… I have decided to title this series “Bloglettes”.  Which is French for “Blog Light”.  Not really.  Well maybe it is.  I don’t know French.  Well, I do know the word for “leg”.  It’s Jamba.  As in Jamba Juice.  So, go grab a smoothie at “Leg Juice”?  Ew.  Actually, it’s Jambe.  So I guess Jamba Juice is safe for now.

Bloglette actually means “Little Blog”.  (again, I have no idea…but that sounds right).  I’m going to post Bloglettes on the weekend.  Feel free to tune in.  Or out.

What’s the French word for “ramble”?