So it’s 107 degrees outside today. Kind of incinerated my outdoor Saturday plans. My internal AC isn’t working as well these days either.
I figured there must be something good on television. Oh look! A movie about a girl who moves to Manhattan to chase her dream job. Don’t mind if I do!
Rats, it’s got commercials. And because it’s some new-fangled “streaming” thing, I can’t fast-forward. Blast! Fine. “Mute”.
I soon discover that the majority of the commercials on this channel are for prescription medications. Then a pattern emerges. All the meds have names with lots of high-point-value Words-With-Friends letters (note to self, find out if any of these will be accepted as words). The producers of these ads also seem to be hiring from the same pool of actors.
I begin to play a game with myself. Without turning on the volume, I try and guess what the medications are supposed to do. After awhile, it became apparent that EVERY medication was to help achieve the same results.
If you take Qzxvjk as directed, it will make you more attractive to butterflies. It will make you a better cook. And, apparently, a farmer. You will get to stand on lots of docks and stare out over lakes. There will be lots of lunches with groups of people who look like they would never otherwise be your friend (I’m kind of down for this one!).
Unfortunately, Qzxvjk won’t make you a better dresser. You will also still embarrass your children if you dance in public. But it will make you a better grandparent. A better dog owner. You will learn how to take quality photographs. And ride bicycles through fields in (possibly) foreign countries. You will get to enjoy looking at yourself in mirrors while wearing little black dresses, but for some reason, when you are out in public, you are still destined to wear a sweater tied around your neck or waist, or draped over your shoulders.
Even though you will get to attend lots of barbecues and surprise parties, you will never have great hair. It really does seem that Qzxvjk is directly related to bad hair. That potential side effect is not listed, but I really think it should be. Hair is a pretty big deal.
You will play lots of tennis, and attend some pretty jazzy-looking workouts, as well as laugh and laugh in the gym. At what? We may never know. Maybe another side effect is laughter. In which case, also watch out for the munchies.
After watching these commercials, I have also deduced that Qzxvjk is made out of jellyfish. And now I feel bad for jellyfish.
Since not one of the results seemed to be spontaneous coolness, I doubt I will “ask my doctor” about Qzxvjk. Plus, I’m already an awesome grandparent and a bad dancer.
And dear reader, I must finish by adding that even with a muted television, I could see what the potential side effects could be. Perhaps there was a little truth in advertising. Since there could be “gas with oily discharge, and the inability to control bowel movements”, that may explain the sweater around the waist. “Hallucinations”? The reason for the laughter at the gym. “Psychotic nightmares, flatulence and vomiting” I will just attribute to the bad hair, since nothing else really explains it.