Phoenix must have had a Drunk Dallas Designing Women Seminar and a Douchey Dallas Dudes Golf Tournament simultaneously, and everyone was headed home on MY flight! Before takeoff, the guy behind me starts chatting up the chick next to him, and HE clearly thinks he’s awesome. I’m in hell. They begin talking (loudly) about the most mundane crap. He makes a comment about raising teenagers, … Continue reading PHX -> DAL
Romance doesn’t flourish in exhaust-filled parking garages or bloom curbside at the airport. Long hugs and lingering kisses are a thing of the past. Now, they are monitored and in some cases, signs are posted regarding the amount of time allowed for public displays of affection. There used to be something special about walking off an airplane and scanning the waiting crowd until you found … Continue reading Dear Justin, At least my toes are sexy.
Two things about those funnel cakes. They are irresistible. And it always seems to be breezy during the Fair. So there you are, holding this heavy pastry on a paper plate that is already saturated with grease. You hold the plate with one hand while the other hand tries to “neatly” break off a bite-sized piece. But soon, all hopes of handling this in a … Continue reading Cake in Funnel Form
I’ve found the fountain of youth. Here are some hints for finding your way. Never eat a banana without answering it like a telephone. While gargling, release your inner Chewbacca. When someone asks, “What’s up?”, respond with, “Chicken butt.” Giggle every time someone says the word “duty”. Make duck-lips with Pringles. When walking by machinery that happens to be making a noise resembling a drum, … Continue reading The Chocolate Fountain of Youth
Thanks to the previous homeowner, my backyard has beautiful rose bushes. Other than pruning them a couple times a year, and feeding them banana peels, I don’t do much more than water them. April brings gorgeous blooms, but with them, swarms of aphids. These nasty little suckers plaster themselves to the buds, sucking the life out of each flower before they ever have a … Continue reading Auntie Zen
As I make the move to take my relationship with writing from “dating ” to “engaged”, I have discovered insomnia has adopted the role of “Annoying Wedding Planner”. Do all writers have insomnia? Until I changed my diet in 2012, I hadn’t slept since Junior High. But I was very happy to kiss my steady date with 3 am goodbye. Apparently 3 am missed me. … Continue reading The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From The Sh*tting Tree
Doofenshmirtz just got back from her first Spring Break as a college student (the first one she’s taken without me… and I handled it pretty well… just don’t check my recycling bin) We were sharing stories from our trips: Doofenshmirtz: “That was the day we drove around, got lost, and ended up in North Carolina.” Me: “My walk got kind of touristy, but after I … Continue reading Squeezy Cheese
When I was a kid, I used to fall asleep to the sound of “The Tonight Show” (starring Johnny Carson) drifting in from the living room. At age 10, not only did I have a huge crush on Johnny Carson, I also knew I wanted to be famous. I would lay in bed and fall asleep while having imaginary conversations with Johnny. Our conversations were … Continue reading Talking to Johnny about talking to Johnny
One of the fondest memories I have from my Air Force Brat childhood is of fighter jets. I loved the sound of them flying overhead. From the screaming engines to the sonic booms, everything about them made me happy. I also loved that there were no barriers between us and them. During air shows at the base, we would walk freely around the planes. When … Continue reading Blast From The Past
At some point, I will write a long, rambling, and potentially annoying blog about reality TV. But today I will focus on my current drug of choice, “Ink Master” (a reality competition series featuring tattoo artists). I have a handful of tattoos, and it just so happens that one of my artists, Deanna Smith, is a competitor on Season 10. Spoiler alert: if you like … Continue reading Blogmaster
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